how to know if i have low self-esteem

Hey there! Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt not good enough? Maybe you brushed it off and told yourself to think positively, but that nagging feeling would not disappear. I get it. I have been there too. 

Maybe you are reading this, and like I once wondered how to know if I have low self-esteem, you have similar curiosities. It is a question that can pop into your head after a tough day, a critical comment, or even a general feeling of unease about yourself. You are not alone in wanting to understand these feelings better.

Why I Wanted to Know If I Have Low Self-Esteem.

"Don't Quit" sticky note

People always tell me I lack confidence, but I am always uncertain how to know if I have low self-esteem or could use a few minor lifestyle changes. However,  the question started bothering me more towards the end of 2024.

I would find myself quitting quickly from new work opportunities, convinced I would fail because of challenges I did not have the patience to overcome. Job training after job training, little mistakes would send me spiraling into days of self-criticism, bringing me back to wishing I could get the career breakthrough I felt I needed.

I started noticing I stopped listening to everyone else, unafraid to voice my opinions to hide from the fact that I was wrong and in denial. It was exhausting. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around my thoughts. I knew something was not right. I wanted to feel more sure of myself, capable, and happier in my skin. And despite being told sometimes that I lack confidence, I was uncertain how to know if I have low self-esteem or could use a few minor lifestyle changes.

So, I started looking for answers. I needed to understand why I felt this way and, more importantly, what I could do about it. Maybe some of this sounds familiar to you.

"Am I good enough?" journal writing

How My Relationship Confirmed I Have Low Self-Esteem.

It was not just my work life. My relationships started to show me a clearer picture of my low self-esteem. I constantly sought reassurance from my partner, needing to speak on creative projects I was interested in developing to avoid the fact that I was not motivated to work on anything. If I did not get the response I hoped for, my mind would race with negative thoughts about no one seeing my potential, not believing in me enough, and wanting to see me fail. 

Any disagreement threatened our relationship because I did not believe I deserved credit for not being productive, and I struggled when responses reflected that. Eventually, I was so afraid of being rejected that I would avoid expressing my goals and how I hoped to achieve them. I would prioritize their feelings and thoughts, hoping I wouldn’t have to speak on mine. Looking back, I can see how my low self-esteem cast a shadow over something that should have been a source of joy and support. Have you ever felt like your insecurities affected how you connect with others?

How Do I Find Help If I Have Low Self-Esteem?

Recognizing that you might have low self-esteem is a big first step, and you have already taken it by reading this. Now, you might be wondering where to go from here. Luckily, you do not have to figure this out by yourself.

Talking to someone you trust can be incredibly helpful. That someone could be a supportive friend, a family member, or even a teacher or mentor. Sharing your feelings can lift a weight off your shoulders and give you a different perspective.

Sometimes, talking to a professional can provide even more support and guidance. A therapist or counselor, for example, can help you understand the roots of your low self-esteem and develop strategies to build a healthier sense of self. Think of it like having a coach for your mind. They can teach you new ways of thinking and coping with those negative feelings. If you need recommendations, you can ask your doctor or look for therapists online or in your community. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

How Do I Build Confidence If I Have Low Self-Esteem?

Building confidence after experiencing low self-esteem is not about a sudden transformation. It is about learning to like and accept the amazing person you already are, flaws and all. It is a journey, not a race, and there will be good and bad days. But here are a few things you can start doing:

Light bulb sticky note
  • Notice Your Thoughts: Pay attention to the things you tell yourself. Are they a reflection of childhood influences? Is social media harming your self-concept? Did you face abuse in your work or personal life that made you change how you view yourself? Try to challenge those thoughts. Imagine what your life would have been like if those factors were no longer present, or try learning what others are going through to help you understand why they might have treated you negatively.
  • Celebrate Small Wins: Don’t wait for specific achievements to feel proud of yourself. Did you manage to get out of bed even though you felt down? Did you finish a small task at work? Acknowledge and celebrate these little victories. They add up! When I didn’t reach my goal of working out every day of the week, I self-praised what I still accomplished (like completing all of my school assignments) and used that to keep me motivated for the days to come.
  • Focus on Your Strengths: What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? Make time for these things. When you focus on your strengths, it can help you feel more capable and positive. On the days I didn’t feel inspired, I still made time to work on music and noticed how making new developments every day helped me gain confidence in my craft and want to talk about my progress.

“The more I understood that failure came with taking risks, the more I allowed myself to turn challenges into lessons.”

– J.A
  • Be Kind to Yourself: Talk to yourself how you would talk to a friend you care about. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up. Learn from it and move on. Everyone makes mistakes – it’s part of being human. The minute you begin comparing yourself to others, the less you notice what changes you’ve made to better yourself. The more I understood that failure came with taking risks, the more I allowed myself to turn challenges into lessons.
Journal in boho bedroom
  • Set Realistic Goals: Instead of expecting drastic changes to your life simultaneously, set small, achievable goals for yourself, which will help you begin building a sense of accomplishment and confidence. I realized speaking aloud about my goals made others hold me accountable. As a result, falling short of those goals made me feel like I was disappointing others instead of being proud of what I could accomplish within the time frame I gave myself.
  • Practice Self-Care: Take care of your physical and mental well-being, whether through eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, exercising, or doing things you enjoy. When you feel good physically, it can also boost your mood and self-esteem. The challenge for me in maintaining self-care has been saying “no.” When I learned to prioritize my time for activities that contribute to my well-being, I was able to re-enter social situations with new perspectives and a positive outlook to approach challenges more soundly.

It takes time and effort to rebuild confidence, but it is possible. You deserve to feel good about yourself and your abilities.

In Conclusion:

Understanding if you have low self-esteem is the first step towards a more confident and fulfilling life. It is okay if you notice that your self-perception has affected your relationships, held you back from your goals, or clouded how you see your worth. Many of us have been there. The good news is that you do not have to stay there. By understanding your feelings, seeking support when needed, and taking small, consistent steps to build your self-belief, you can rebuild your confidence and create a more positive relationship with yourself. Remember, your story matters, and you are worthy of feeling good about who you are.